I didn't lose myself all at once.

When codeine stopped being pain relief

My addiction to codeine did not begin with me deciding I wanted to become addicted. It was something I could buy over the counter. It looked ordinary and legitimate, which made it easier for me to explain away what was happening for far longer than I should have.

Eventually, my days were built around making sure I had enough. I knew which pharmacies I had visited, when I could go back and what I would say if somebody asked questions. I would buy random things alongside the tablets so it looked less obvious. I counted what I had left, counted it again and worked out how to make it last.

By that point, I was not chasing a high. I was trying not to go into withdrawal. I could have tablets in front of me and still be panicking because I knew there would not be enough for the next day. That fear took up so much space in my head that very little else got in.

Then coke became part of the same cycle

Coke gave me a confidence that felt real at the time but was not. It kept me awake, made me spend money I could not afford to spend and left me anxious, guilty and exhausted afterwards.

Codeine and coke became tangled together. I used codeine to deal with the anxiety, exhaustion and sleeplessness after coke. Then I used coke to fight the tired, flat feeling that came with codeine. I was using one addiction to recover from the other, and the cycle kept getting worse.

There was so much secrecy around it. Checking for replies. Deleting messages and transfers. Downplaying how often it was happening. Making excuses and trying to sound casual while my mind was completely occupied by using, recovering and working out when I could do it again.

What addiction took from me

Addiction changed my priorities. Money that should have gone on bills, necessities and the future disappeared. I avoided looking at bank balances and letters because I did not want to face what I was doing. My house, my car, my clothes and basic care for myself were neglected.

Showering became something I put off. Brushing my teeth was hit and miss. I avoided mirrors. I could spend hours deep cleaning while on coke and still neglect the basic things that actually mattered. From the outside, some of that could probably look productive. It was not.

Relationships broke down. I lost friends. Parts of my family walked away. I fell out with the father of my children and spent time in a toxic relationship. I lost confidence in myself, questioned whether I was capable of anything and eventually left my job.

Some consequences stayed with me physically too. My left eye is still heavier because I scratched it so much when codeine made me itch. Addiction did not only affect the moments when I was using. It affected how I lived, how I looked after myself and how I saw myself.

I stopped once — and relapsed two weeks later

Around two years into my codeine addiction, I stopped cold turkey. I got through the withdrawals and stayed off it for two weeks. Then my boyfriend left, I was heartbroken and I went straight back to codeine. That relapse continued for another two years.

For a long time, I treated that as proof that I had failed. I understand it differently now. I had removed the tablets, but I had not learned how to deal with heartbreak, loneliness, stress or the empty space that was left behind. I knew how to stop taking something. I did not yet know how to live without reaching for it when life hurt.

Stopping was only the beginning

Recovery did not instantly turn me into a confident person with a perfect life. I still overthink. I still doubt myself. I have had to face the money, the damaged relationships, the neglected parts of my life and the decisions I made when addiction was in charge.

Rebuilding started with ordinary things: having a shower, washing my hair, brushing my teeth, putting on clean clothes, opening letters, facing my bank account and doing what I said I would do. None of that sounds dramatic, but those things mattered because I had stopped caring for myself for such a long time.

I also had to learn who I was without codeine and coke. Once the substances were gone, there was boredom, loneliness, empty evenings and a lot of feelings I had avoided. Recovery meant learning how to sit with those things, understand myself and build a life I did not constantly want to escape.

Why I tell the truth about it now

Shame kept me quiet for years. It also made it harder to ask for help. I tell my story now because somebody else may recognise themselves in the pharmacy trips, the counting, the excuses, the secret spending or the constant effort of trying to look fine.

I am not sharing this because I have everything figured out. I am sharing it because I know what it feels like to believe you are the only person living like this. You are not. You are not weak, disgusting or beyond help. You are a person who deserves support without being made to feel ashamed.

Recovery has given me my mornings back, money left in my account, the ability to answer my phone and the chance to keep plans instead of hiding. It has not fixed every part of my life. It has given me the opportunity to face those parts properly and decide what I want to build next.